From the J-Files

The following is an excerpt from the real-life daily lesson book of a real-life English teacher in real-life Koreal.  Korea. 

Class: 7 year olds
Unit: Storybook
This class is a hardworking class of only boys who have interesting and lively dynamics like giving each other nicknames, picking on the shy kid, and drawing defecating dinosaurs on the board.  Recently, I had the opportunity to learn a major cultural difference from them.  Of a story where someONE was lost in translation.  Someones.  You'll see.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!  A wonderful example of Western Children's Literature.  Its rags-to-riches story and morality tale (did you know the Bad children and their parents mirror the seven deadly sins?  Rewatch that movie sometime) have for generations been a good influence on children the world over.  Augustus gets too greedy and goes for the chocolate river?  Thanks for playing, sir, your parents can pick you up outside in the losers' room!
But wait.
In the Korean translation, Augustus isn't "going to be fine".  The students were stunned in class, because they'd read the story in Korean.  And when they told me He Is Die, I laughed and pointed to the passage where Wonka reassures his mother that death (however delicious his might've been) didn't await her son.  It seems that THEIR version of the story replaces that passage with the implication that the price for greed is much steeper. 
Sweet dreams, Korean children.


Class:  12 year-olds. 
Unit: Family
Ah the ever-present My Family unit.  Seems to be in every foreign language textbook in every language ever.  Except the Canadian textbooks.  They use Morris the Moose for that unit.
Ahem.
In other text-
WAIT
...Except the Canadian textbooks.  They watch Mighty Ducks instead.
Ok I'm done now.
We discussed who our family members were, what jobs they did, how they looked, and what color eyes and hair they had (and believe me, appearance descriptions took a lot more vocabulary for me than it did for my students).  But when I described my family, and said my mother was a lawyer, the classroom went silent with confusion. 
"lawyer?  really?" 
Was this sexism?  Did they really not believe a woman could be a lawyer.  Time to set the record straight.  I knew they were an old-fashioned culture and all-
"wow, oh, very rich!"  Oh.  I guess being a lawyer must just pay an excessive amount here.  I mean, they do pretty well in America, but with a reaction-
"Teacher!"
One of my students got up and showed me her phone, where she had typed in the job name.
"Lawyer?!"  The phone said: R-O-Y-A-L. 
...Oh right.

(If it's still not clear, tonight at Taekwondo Soccer, the student who shot the winning goal yelled GOOOOOAAAAL!  G! O! A! R!)

There are, in fact, very important reasons I've been imported to teach these children.


Class: 12-13 year-olds
Unit: adverbs of frequency

After discussing with the students how I usually prefer American ramen to Korean lamyun because American ramen comes in chicken, pork, beef, seafood, and asian flavors compared to Korean lamyun's pepper and pepperypepper flavors, I introduced them to the ramen I always like: chicken flavor.  They complained that Korean babies sometimes eat a soup like that, but adults never do.  Today in class, they brought me a lamyun that they said was sweet instead of spicy.
In retrospect, the fact that I was instructed by onlookers to only take a small bite should've clued me in.
Mmmmmm.  Lit sparkler-magma and habanero flavor.
I ran for the fountain.
I let that student finish the bowl alone.  And you can be quite certain that when he asked to go to the water fountain later in class and his salvation from the brimstone he'd consumed was up to me.....
he decided never to pull that trick again.


WARNING.  THIS NEXT CASE FILE CONTAINS EXPLICITLY EXPLICIT LANGUAGE THAT WAS SO EXPLICIT, ENGLISH-SPEAKERS AND KOREAN-SPEAKERS COMBINED WERE UNABLE TO COMPREHEND ITS EXPLICITNESS.  COVER THE EYES OF SMALL CHILDREN AND PETS.

Class: 6 year-olds
Unit: all
My students had often tossed around a term in class.  Usually after playing with Pokemon cards or Beyblade tops, so I thought it nothing but a japanimation-phrase.  Something the pokemon or tops hatch from, perhaps.
Fire Egg.
Offended?
Neither was I.  I joked back with them.  Ok, sure guys.  Fire egg.  Hey look, a fire egg!  Could you toss me that fire egg?  Careful, we don't want to have to call the fire department!
Later that week, a discussion with my fifteen year olds on crazy foods yielded a surprising result.  Did you know that King Sejong of Korea was rumored to enjoy eating Rocky Mountain Oysters- of chicken? 
And more importantly, did you know that the Korean slang term for that part of any animal is a Fire Egg?
I walked into the teachers' office stunned.  I asked my co-teachers: have you heard them say this word?
No, they told me.  What does it mean?
What an awkward thing to have to explain to my female co-workers.  Wanting to be professional about it, I cut the slang and told them as clearly as I could.
"Its....well, I mean. . . What THEY're saying is...it's just the slang term, I think....its...itmeanstesticles."
"Oh."
Relief.  Now they can deal with the students about it, because I'm sure that'd work better in Kor-
"What is testicles?"
Well, when a man and woman hate each other very much and the woman wants to cause the man substatial discomfort while making him cry like a baby, where does she aim her best front snap kick?
Oh.



On a completely related note (related to snapkicks), My Taekwondo teacher is teaching us a routine.  It's a dance and taekwondo number (hereafter referred to as TaekwonDance) that's actually more aerobics than dance.  To the South Africa World Cup cheer song.  I was taken completely by surprise with this one, and I never would've expected anything like it.  I hope you share my astonishment. The implications of this dance-music are nothing short of mind-blowing:



It means there's someone out there who actually pays attention to soccer.


Tune in next time for a special Collector's Edition 14 Hours and a World.  Supplies will be limited, so get yours first!

Marvel always,
Jeff-Teacher

Jeff M. Davis has the Most Important Job in the World

Teaching!
Aw that's cute.
But seriously.  I've been promoted.
I am now.....
Santa's Speechwriter.
You heard it here first, unless you saw the wikileaks about it.  And if you did, disregard the one about his beard being fake.  He's the real thing, and he's coming to CNN Language Academy!  For some reason (I'm assuming it's my speech background) I've been chosen to write the introductions and greetings for the symbol of Americanism in the Wintertime.  I am, of course, assuming I was chosen because I was better qualified, and not because of where I'm from.
Because that's racist.  And 14hoursandaworld does not support racism.
But the pressure!  Can you imagine?
Rooms stuffed to the brim with tinsel, christmas trees, advent calendars, and construction paper reindeer peeling off the walls from run-ins with soccer balls.  Classrooms that look like they were hit with Polarbear Coca Cola commercials full of gluesticks and glitter wait expectantly for a man they've only heard stories
nay
Legends about.  A man of whose existence they're skeptical.
They want to believe.  Can it be true?  A fat white guy with a beard gives stuff to the whole world for free, with an archaic delivery service?  That's a poor business model for a number of reasons my three-year-olds could diagram on the board.
When he arrives, he'll introduce himself and his present procedure to all the awestruck and wide-eyed boys and girls.  And though out on the lawn, Korea is having a brown Christmas, all through the house they will come to the conclusion that so many little American children came to before:
Santa.  Is.  Real. 
And he is the best thing EVER.

Stories of the week!
As you all know, if your lives center around me (as I'm sure they do), this week I officially hit the age where one is not likeable, (182, Blink).  Having a birthday the week of Christmas has its disadvantages, as this weekend will be dedicated to christmas celebration, so I was expecting a low-key birthday.  When out of left field, an army of awesome people spoke out and said Forbid It!  Your birthday will rock! 
My kindergarten co-teachers informed the children, who greeted me with a chorus of Happy Birthday and a book of cards they had made (some with STUNNING art skills for five year olds).  My other coworkers surprised me with a small gift of cash and something delicious.

It is not a lie. 

Also, though I didn't check the mail for them soon enough, I recieved THREE packages of presents from the states.  And I'd like to thank everyone from home who has equipped me to survive, thrive, travel, and have great snacks while I play video games.  Also (and I'm totally gonna attribute this to my birthday) The South Korean army AGAIN held live-fire drills on Yeonpyeong island, after the North told them that such actions would awaken a much more powerful Northern retaliation.  The North uncovered their coastal guns and rolled them into place as the South set up for its training.  The training began.  The South shot off every round they had not fired in the truncated drills last time on Yeonpyeong.  The North backed down.  Happy birthday to me, commies.

I'm also enrolled in a language exchange now.  Expect pictures of the place soon.  It's a wonderful little coffee shop designed specifically for English, Chinese, and Korean speakers to be able to have a place to teach each other their languages free of charge.  They have game nights, ski trips, holiday parties, the works.  The program director suggests I watch korean dramas repeatedly to learn the language.  He learned most of his English from watching friends.  And suddenly his gelled-up hairdo made much more sense. 

One more, then I'll let you go, for real this time.  I did a Lifeboat Game with my conversation class, where they are given six people of different backgrounds and skillsets on a sinking ship with a lifeboat that can hold two.  Among them were a russian sailor, a japanese computer programmer, an american congressman, a happily married scientist, and a husband and pregnant wife.  After a long debate, they saved the sailor (because someone had to get the lifeboat to shore.  very practical of them) and the pregnant wife.  It's worth noting that she was 23 and her husband was almost sixty.  They said the young sailor man and the mother-to-be would fall in love and get married and have many more children, and forget about the husband who went down with the ship.  I think they'd been watching too many dramas.  The one thing they did agree on unanimously?  The fate of that poor, poor Japanese programmer. 

And this is not related, but you can eat pokemon for snacks.  The ghastly snack has a chocolate cream center surrounded by cakey chocolate, all in a circle.  I thought it was awesome.  But I'm probably biased from a childhood spent engrossed in Pokemon Red for gameboy.  I guess you could say my evaluation of this snack. . .

(Puts on sunglasses)

It's Super-Subjective!

YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAH

Counting down til Christmas

Jeff-Teacher

Bite off more than you can chew. THEN CHEW IT.

I had lost my wallet. 
I got my old wallet and BOUGHT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
I lost my health.
I went to Taekwondo and ROUNDHOUSE KICKED MY ILLNESS.
I lost my computer.
My wonderful parents bought me a late graduation present with a FINGERPRINT SCAN PASSWORD.

Everytime I unlock my computer, I can hear it saying "Welcome back, Mr. Bond.  Would you like to resume being awesome where you left off?"

As a wise internet once said, "Life getting tough means the gods fear your progress."

And whatever gods reign in Korea must've feared my progress quite a bit.  But you see, all they had were misfortunes, and the hope that when all those misfortunes were expended, I'd no longer be standing on Korean soil. 

It's great to be here tonight, folks. 

On this wednesday, the entire nation is to perform an air-raid drill, with underground bomb shelters and an airforce simulation of a DPRK airstrike.  Life in a bomb bunker.  Remember my WWI references earlier?  I have a feeling they're about to get trumped.

In the case of an actual breakout of war here, some of the teachers have packed emergency bags.  I tried to compile a list of what I would need.  I might've been playing Playstation while I did it.
1. Warm, durable clothes
2. Dried food
3. Boots
4. Waterproof mats/space blankets
5. A self-defense weapon like a baton
6. A flashlight
7. A large overcoat, with a brightly colored side to signal for help.
8. A self-defense weapon like a knife
9. An assortment of money, non-korean (Dollars, yuan, pounds sterling, gil, yen, euros etc.)
10. A first-aid kit with an assortment of bandages and recovery items
11. A self defense weapon like a sword made out of guns and fire
12. Socks

I should be pretty well taken care of with that.  I think I could find around four others to travel with me, to make it South and book passage on a ship to Japan.  Although at some point we'll just get our own ship and can travel anywhere in the world, so I'm kinda looking for ward to that too.

And as is always the case with this country, tensions escalate, politicians brawl in the legislature (gavels and chairs thrown, physical takeovers, ambulances called etc) and yet.....life goes on.
In one of my classes the other day, two out of four students were gone because their middle school exams were the next week and they had to begin studying.  The other two students were falling asleep.  When I told them they couldnt sleep in my class, they informed me that they'd been up until four in the morning studying, before getting up at seven to head in to school.  Then they fell asleep, leaving me and my conscience alone in the room.  The following internal dialogue ensued.

Me:  Wow, this is really not cool.  I have to wake them up or I'll get in trouble for having no control.
Conscience:  Were you not listening to the conversation you just had?  three hours of sleep.  hana, dul, set.
Me: OH MY GOD........YOU CAN TALK!
Conscience: Yeah, I kinda bailed on you after the jello incident freshman year
Me: Right, right, good times.  Yeah those nuns totally deserved it. 
Conscience: Let's not talk about it.
Me: ok, time to wake them up.
Conscience: You do realize that it's not just about you, right?  they have homework from their actual school too.  Then after they finish your school at ten o'clock, they go to another hagwon til one in the morning.  Then they start their homework.  Then it's up for another day of it for school.  Plus every other saturday.
Me: yeah, but if I don't do it, their parents will find a teacher who will.  As will my boss.  That second one may concern me more.
Conscience:  yeah, that's the problem.  It's just so competitive here that no one's really the bad guy.  Teachers just need teaching jobs.  Hagwon owners are just trying to deliver quality education in a market that's buying as much of it as people will sell.  Parents know that if they don't keep their kids in school as late as their classmates, their students lives will suffer later.  It seems like the only way to fix this is with a law banning any facility teaching out of a textbook after, say three o'clock in the....Are you even listening?
Me;  I've got it!  Let's wake them up.  Who wants to play Uno?

And play uno we did, in english.  With the sentence structures required of that days lesson (I have one blue two.  I have number adjective noun).  Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing.  But every now and then there's an obvious right answer.

So remember ages ago when I promised Light-bridge pictures?  Don't say I never did nothin for ya.

 Also, here I am eating at a korean version of a sushi restaurant.

 With my coworkers

I'll leave you with the iconic Dongdaemun gate, one of the ancient entrances to Seoul, spotted while christmas shopping in the city.  For another nine months--this is my world.

Back in business, and ain't it grand?
Jeff-Teacher

Technical difficulties

Dear fans, avid readers, friends, family, and those who stumble across my blog on google,
I apologize for the interruption to 14hoursandaworld.  Technical difficulties and illness have made posting these past few weeks impossible, out of reach, or annoyingly inconvenient.  My computer and health are terribly out of order at the moment (my health temporarily, my computer terminally) (I hope).  Both should be back online within the next week pending emergency UN aid drops to my apartment.  Until then, I am truly sorry for the delay.  You may return next week for your regularly scheduled doses of humor, pictures, insightful cultural commentary, borderline offensive cultural commentary, and geography.
The weather forecast for right now is fifty degrees and foggy with intermittent rain.  What an odd December...
19 days til my birthday
23 days til Christmas
29 days til New Year's
749 days til the end of the world (according to the mistranslated mayans!)

See you soon,
Jeff-Teacher